On Mom

On Mom

I know that my biography is supposed to be about me but, my mother had a big part in who I am and who I'm not and I feel she deserves some recognition. I should start off by saying she is dead now.

My mother's given name was Kelly Jo Mary Baker and she was born in Ottsville, Alabama to a father who was a reverend and a homemaker mother. My mother was beautiful when she was a teenager she was in all sorts of beauty pageants and modeling things but, she was very protected. Her parent's idea of sex ed was keep your legs closed and wait until you're married and let your husband do the work. 

When she was 14, she met a handsome 18 year old truck driver named Travis while at a dance club with her friends and they dated for 2 months and she got pregnant. Not with me but, with my older brother who I'm going to call Terry. Now you have to remember this was before teen pregnancy was cool or as accepted as it may be now. Her parents were against her having the baby and wanted her to gice him up for adoption so, she ran away with the Travis and discovered a world filled with drugs and endless nights.

Somewhere along the line at one of those drug partes that were slowly going out of style, she met another older man, a rich man Dr. Joseph Lawrence who was interested in her. I later learned my mother had been on birth control but, stupidly didn't know you had to take it everyday and ended up pregnant for a second time at the age of 15.

But, Dr. Lawrence loved her and was kind to her but, he also had a reputation to protect, he had an eye for politics. By this time she had gotten tired of Travis who was upset with her for cheating on him while he was doing long hauls, Dr. Lawrence moved her to his hometown of Oaklande where he found an inconspicuous house for her to stay in.

He was gone for most of the day and she got to know the neighbors, most of them drug addicts and she knew her way around drugs. She developed a marijuana habit and 3 months after her 16th birthday I was born.

I was born addicted to crack and my father hated me for that, he refused to claim me even though he already signed the birth certificate. He gave my mother a check and walked out on us. So, my mother called on the only other person she trusted, Travis.

They got married so, she wouldn't have to see her parents again and he moved into the house with us. Travis never did drugs but, he watched Mama do them all the time. Of course he drove trucks so he was gone for long periods of time but she stayed faithful and he always came back to us.

Now, my mother wasn't bad at the mothering thing. She could take care of a baby it was herself she couldn't take care off but she was capable of breast feeding and changing diapers high. Travis tried to help her but, then Dr. Lawrence came back 5 years later. I later found out because it was because he saw me one day.

Dr.Lawrence said he just wanted to see me occasionally but after 2 moths of that he threatened to kll Travis and his son, who as far as  I was concerned was my brother. I remember the day they left  I don't know who it hurt more me or Mama.

But, Dr. Lawrence was back in our lives he gave Mama drug money and stayed over occasionally. She was upset Travis was gone but at that time she thought he honestly didn't want her anymore.

When I was 6, she walked in on him in my bed, she told me later she knew something was wrong but never said anything.

But, when Mama was having parties with thousands of dollars worth of drugs and booze she started to work as a stripper at night and as a prostitute to get money to buy groceries.

I had no idea how bad she was at the time, I was a child. During the day time she would watch me color or play with toys on the front porch like any normal mother, except she was hung over.

When she put me to bed that's when she became Tracy.

After she turned 16 she decided to change her name to get away from her identity as the Alabama preacher's daughter.

When Dr. Lawrence was offered a prestigious job in the government that would require a background check he told my mother he was leaving her for a while, told her to change my last name to Baker and left for 2 years.

In that time my mother had 2 children. Michelle Lynn and Justin Matthew. She had no idea who there father's were.

I was 6 when Michelle Lynn was born, I remember my mother telling me to go across the street to the neighbors and tell them she needed help.

Our neighbors were these 2 sisters, Bethany and Charlotte Marlow. They were both survivors of domestic abuse and Charlotte was a lay mid-wife and she helped Mama even though she hated her lifestyle and often called my Mama out on her lifestyle. Mama hated them also and told me not to go over to their home but, whenever I knew she was too drunk or too high I would anyway.

Anyway, I imagine giving birth naturally must have been very hard for her but, it served as no birth control. Mama didn't understand the logic of paying 30,000 dollars for something people did in their homes for free for years. Her argument was if it was so hard then how are we all here to begin with. I'd argue natural selection but then I'd lose her.

When she gave birth to Justin Matthew it was different, he didn't cry at all. It was a still birth. In the middle of the night Mama and Charlotte buried him in the backyard, I imagine that must have been hard for her and would make her stop getting pregnant but, it didn't.

When Dr. Lawrence came back into our lives my mother was doting on the new baby. The day he came back I had been late coming home because I was with Charlotte, I assumed my mother was to busy with the baby to notice but, she wasn't. She yelled at me for being late and not being with her when "daddy came home to see me"  and then my "father" yelled at me to.

He took me in the backyard and beat me with is belt. But, this isn't about me. Mama was watching from the window. She watched how when he was done he told me to stand behind a tree so he could finish jerking off. She said she was afraid of him at that point, too afraid to stay anything.

Dr. Lawrence went in and out of our lives, he would stay for a few days or weeks at a time and then he would be gone.

Mama told me that the whole time he was there he never slept with her he only did it once when  I was 13, my only biologcal brother Jake.

Mama saw a lot of things she never talked about. My father went to prison for a lot of murders, she saw him burn bloody clothes and she saw him shoot Charlotte.

Mama had 10 children. Before she died I asked her if she remembered their names, she said now, how could she. I did. I'll put what happened to the ones who got away  in my biography.

There are laws in Pennsylvania about when a miscarried baby is considered a person and can be buried in a grave. The ones who were miscarried early on I decided not to include.

Terry (I refuse to use his whole name because he turned out to be as bad as my father) - Aug, 23 1977 - 2004

Joseph Ryan -  March 4, 1978

Michelle Lynn - June 7, 1984

Justin Matthew -  April 10, 1985 - April 10, 1985

Jacob Lawrence - December 30, 1986 -2004

Scarlett Rebecca -  September 13, 1987 - 1987

Holly Jane  -  May 12, 1988

Susanna Eloise -  Nov. 1 1989

Christopher Martin - August 29 1990

Benjamin Hunter - July 7 1991

Madison Nicole -  October 3 1995

I may have changed some names because it actually got too hard to write the actual ones. And  I have this lucid fantasy that one of the ones who were taken by the governent or left at a hospital with a name tag might read this and I want me to explain why I did those things to them.

On her death bed my Tracy apologized to me. She said she loved me and thanked me for being there for her. She said I was the only thing in her life that kept her from killing herself. I couldn't feel sympathy after she told me she knew what he was doing and never said anything. I was a child she was my mother she was suposed to protect me not him.

I know Tracy lived with a lot of fear and anxiety her whole life but, I would respect her a lot more if she had dealt wth it instead of turning to drugs all the time.

My mother's mother (my grandmother I guess ?), Dolly Mae got in touch with me about 2 years ago and told me about how my mother had been. She was dying of cancer and the doctors only gave her a week, he husband has passed 8 years earlier. She told me if Tracy had ever come back they would have taken her in and if they knew about me they would have saved me.

They weren't evil people they just believed if their daughter had taken her problems to the church  things could have been better for her. They were convinced God would have forgiven her and blessed her life. Although she admitted she wished Tracy had followed the Bible and stayed pure and waited to have kids. Then, she would have saved a lot og heartache.She loved her daughter, her only daughter so much.

I know that means I would have never been born but,  that conversation definatlry changed my outlook on life.

Dollie Mae died 2 days later, I've tried to meet other members of my family but most of them are dead or want nothing to do with Kelly Jo's bastard child.

I don't know wether to thank Tracy for making my life so bad and putting so much on me that  I had enough angst to start writing or be angry at her for allowing the abuse to go on and worse, being jealous of it.